By BlondePete, used with permission.
This is a page of a few tips and do’s & don’ts for beginners – experienced BDSM guys will, of course, know all this (and the bits I’ve intentionally left out ;-). Everything is not necessarily the “Right” way to do it, but it works for me. Some things on this page aren’t strictly true, but you’ll find that out for yourself and, unfortunately, some things have to be learnt the hard way. Once you know what you’re doing you won’t need rules.
Sorry if this spoils the spontaneity and excitement but there’s plenty of time for that when you know what you’re doing and you’re with someone you play with regularly.
When you start being a Top it’s like being a learner car driver, you have to think of every action before you do it and it all seems hard work when you are an experienced driver/Topmost of what you do happens automatically and you can really enjoy the experience.
You’ll miss a lot of fun if you limit yourself too much as regards types of guys you will play with, don’t judge by looks and age or you’ll miss out on a lot. And although I’m biased, often guys who switch make some of the best subs, don’t be frightened – they won’t turn you over unless you beg nicely.
There are probably less than a dozen really great tops in the UK, you can get very good at the technique with practice and become a very good Top – but a great Top thinks in a way you can’t learn and has a natural confidence that can’t be faked, guys with the confidence, the technical skill and the understanding of the sub’s mind are very rare indeed.
Don’t forget that we are always learning, you never know it all!
General tips are:-
SAFETY – Always think what could possibly go wrong and be prepared for it. Have an action plan for emergencies, aim to be able to release someone in <30secs – 1min max.
Remember they could be unconscious or panicking, and do learn artificial respiration properly, if the worst happens you have <5 min to get them out and get them breathing!
In any event, if you’re dangerous word will very quickly get around.
Anything that comes into contact with body fluids or blood needs to be sterilised after use or disposed of. Metal can be sterilised by boiling for 30 mins or put in a hot oven for an hour. Most non-disposable rubber & plastic can be sterilised with baby feeding bottle tablets.
EMPATHY – Keep close to your sub, try to know all the time what he’s feeling and what condition he’s in, listen to his breathing, read his body language
This is invaluable not just for safety reasons but ideally you should be able to make the sub feel what you want him to when you want. If he hasn’t enjoyed the scene he probably won’t come back again. Remember that unless you’re paying for the privilege (offers by E-Mail considered! the guy isn’t there to give you a good time, he’s there to get off on it himself, although if he’s any good he’ll make sure you have a good time too. There are lots of subs about, but rather fewer really good ones, especially dogs and slaves.
Empathy is very important when Fisting if you approach it thinking about putting your hand in a hole you will do serious damage sooner or later.
COMPETENCE – Have a good idea of what you’re going to do and how you’re going to do it, experimentation is fun but works it through beforehand.
It doesn’t make a very good scene and makes you look cool if you’re fumbling around looking for something for ages or get someone in a position you’ve no idea how to get them out of.
A scene should appear to flow effortlessly and slickly, you should always look as if you know exactly what you’re doing and there should be no evidence of the hours of preparation, construction and planning that’s gone on.
Even if it is the first time you’ve done it, make it look like the hundredth. Of course, it’s very nice to have a regular sub who likes experimentation and who won’t mind too much if it all goes pear-shaped, so you can get some practice in beforehand.
Unless you know the sub very well do try and make an effort – appearing at the door in Farrah slacks and a cardigan just won’t do! For sub/dom scenes image is important.
INFORMATION– Get as much information about a new sub as possible, find out what he likes and dislikes, what his fantasies are, what his limits are, what he wants to try and his measurements!
Limits are there to be expanded but not ignored, and remember there’s a big difference between fantasy and reality, a lot of guys have fantasies that they wouldn’t enjoy having played out for real.
Let the sub know what you expect of him too, you might think yours is the “right” way things are done – but every Top is different, the subs last Top might have expected things done totally differently.
KNOWLEDGE – I’m going to make a few enemies here, but I don’t think you can be a good Top unless you’ve been a bottom first. How do you know how something feels and how far you can go if you haven’t experienced it yourself? You learn more from being tied up badly once than you learn from doing it badly a hundred times.
If you’ve no interest in being sub see if you can find another friendly Top who’s good at the scene you’re interested in, then he can let you experience it in a relaxed way with a running commentary if appropriate, or at the very least let you watch while he does it to someone else and talk you through it afterwards.
If your ego can stand it, you can learn a lot from subs too – some of them are very good at technique. A very good sub might even manipulate the whole scene without you knowing he’s doing it, but you will learn a lot *grin*
Obviously, with bondage, it’s very important to take into account everything that could go wrong, remember guys have passed out or vomited – I’ve done both, so be especially careful if there’s any restraint around the neck or hoods/gags used. Never leave a bottom alone if there’s any risk!
If a guy does pass out will you be able to release him? Remember he will be a dead weight hanging in the restraint, some buckles and clips will be impossible to release
The other golden rule is to check the extremities often to make sure the blood supply hasn’t been cut off for too long, pay particular attention to hands, feet, arms and balls – if they’re very cold or purple/blue it’s PAST time you released them. Don’t forget bits you can’t see too, hands in bondage mitts have the circulation cut off as much or more than with cuffs.
Any discomfort should be intentional and under your control, don’t let it happen by accident. Pay particular attention to any straps that might be cutting in, pressure on the forehead, nose and temples is very uncomfortable, arms can go to sleep quickly if above the head or if the upper arm is tightly constrained. If you’re doing mummification always put a thick soft pad between the ankles and make sure the arms and hands aren’t bound too tightly.
It is almost impossible to undo ropes or tight buckles when your hands are covered in lube, having to use your teeth does nothing for your image! Keep a few small towels handy, if you need to undo something quickly you don’t want to be hunting for something to wipe your hands on – anyway towels come in for wiping a lot of sticky things *grin*
A lot of bondage subs like to be left in bondage for quite long periods without any input from the Top, don’t feel you have to be doing things to them all the time – good chance for a ciggy break anyway Smiley
As with most BDSM scenes timing often makes all the difference to the success of a scene, as long as the sub is turned on he won’t notice discomfort and will probably enjoy some pain, but if you keep a scene going even 15mins too long it often just becomes irritating – Remember to keep reading your sub. It’s better to finish too soon than too late, if he leaves wanting more he’ll come back if you went too far he might not.
Really tight bondage can be great for 20-30 mins but can rapidly become very painful if left for longer – take the intended time into account when doing up hoods, or any kind of bondage.
A lot of the excitement in a bondage scene is feeling that you’re tied tightly, and totally at the mercy of the Top, so restraints have to be nice and tight without being so tight that they quickly become uncomfortable.
Fisting can be one of the most satisfying, emotional and horny things you can do with a guy, normally I keep BDSM out of fisting, but some guys do like bondage etc with it. However, you do it fisting should be done sensually and almost with love.
When you’re fisting always remember that it’s a person you’re doing it to, not a hole. I always concentrate on my hand, what it’s doing and what the guy’s arse is doing, not on the outside of the guy, the important stuff is all happening inside, physically and mentally. Don’t only think about what you’re doing to an arse, think about what it’s doing back to you.
Feel how the guys muscles are responding and if he tightens up temporarily slow down until he loosens again – Fisting is done with someone, not to them! When you get good at fisting you can feel exactly what the guy is feeling, the sense of being with someone totally can be wonderful.
In most circumstances all movements should be smooth and gentle, don’t jerk or force anything although considerable pressure might be needed initially to get your fist in, jerking will often make the muscles tighten and cause problems. When a guy is open and relaxed you can start to put more effort in, but always feel what is happening, he can tighten at any time.
Most guys need quite a bit of initial warming up to relax their arse, playing with toys can help a lot.
A good tip is to find the way out of the arse (entrance to the colon) before you get your fist in and play with it to relax it – it’s sometimes not easy to find or get into once your fist is in the arse. Be very gentle with the colon, it has 4 delicate muscle rings, which get progressively smaller, in its length which need stretching and relaxing carefully.
If you’re pushing a guys limits depth wise and have had to slowly work your way up the colon, round all the possible twists and turns remember to work your hand out equally carefully, if you pull out quickly you could do a lot of damage.
No two guys arses and especially colons are the same and the difference is quite large both in size and layout, you have to discover how each new guy you fist is arranged inside, don’t assume that what works for one guy will work with another
Make sure any pain and discomfort you inflict is intentional and under your control, it shouldn’t happen by accident. A good Top can inflict more pain without causing damage, than a bad one can with damage. If anything still shows after a few days (except possibly old bruising), you aren’t doing it right.
For any sub to take really heavy pain you have to work up over a period of time, done right it’s surprising how much most guys can actually take.
Whipping & Flogging
Whipping is not CP, CP is a ghastly British invention that’s a pale imitation of the real thing, I get no pleasure being hit clumsily with a paddle or riding crop while being told to “count the strokes”
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As with general pain the main tip for whipping is to work up slowly, once the endorphin levels have built up and a sub is getting off on the scene you can build the force up to surprisingly high levels.
Try to avoid hitting the same spot repeatedly, move the target area with each stroke and remember areas that have already had a lot of work are much more sensitive.
The trick is to judge the force of the blows so that the sub can just take it, then back off slightly before working up to higher levels, in this way there is almost no limit to what someone can take. Also try to make the strokes predictable both in location and force, they are much easier to get into if they don’t come as a surprise.
Personal note here – if you’re hitting the arse for god sake don’t miss and hit the balls by mistake!!
If you are using a paddle you must hit flat and avoid tilting the paddle or hitting with the end as these cause bad bruising. paddles are good on the arse but not much use anywhere else.
The area above the waist to the sides where the kidneys are MUST be treated as a NO GO AREA. It’s possible to hit the kidneys and not cause a great deal of pain (for some guys it will cause excruciating agony). The danger is that bruised kidneys can stop functioning and the guy can end up in hospital in a very serious condition. Avoid striking near the spine as well.
Never use heavy implements for striking blows, items such as rubber night sticks etc can cause severe internal damage without leaving any marks on the surface of the skin, and often without causing a lot of pain.
Areas you can work on quite hard are, in order of heaviness:- Arse, Shoulders, Thighs, Chest – all other areas must be treated with caution.
Piercings can be great fun to play with and make marvellous places to attach things to, but it is easy to put too much strain on a piercing and tear it out of the skin or tear a tit off altogether! So never attach anyone by a piercing if there’s a chance they can fall or put too much weight on it.
Piercings that aren’t completely healed should be avoided altogether, they can easily become infected, can tear easily and are very sensitive.
Avoid hitting areas over the piercings, especially PA, this can produce bruises very easily.
Never put clamps over piercings (e.g. tits) the pressure is concentrated on the small ring area and causes damage rapidly – put clamps to one side of piercings.
If you’re taking someone out to a club or party it’s a good idea not to attach anything to piercings, some idiot is bound to tug on it hard and could rip it out. The same applies to anything that someone could damage.
This is that big black area that frightens a lot of guys, but it can be very, very exciting if done properly, I’m not going to give tips about BC here because I think it’s something you really need to learn from an expert. If you don’t know all about it don’t experiment!
But for guys who do know all about it, just one tip – TIMING. A guy doesn’t need or even notice that he can’t really breathe just before he cums, but you have to know the sub to get it just right.
Don’t forget BC can be a really frightening experience, but it’s something that goes very wrong if a guy panics, so heavy BC is not often something you can do at the first meeting, it needs the sub to totally trust the Top – that takes time.
If you are already experienced at breath control and like my equipment, I’ve got a set of plans that I’m willing to send to the right guys.
Lot’s of guys really get off on having their cock/balls tied up tightly, but tightly bound balls get very painful and very sensitive after a period, check them regularly. After a long session just touching the balls can be agony, fine if you’re doing it intentionally, but bear it in mind if you aren’t.
Be very careful if you are attaching the balls to something immovable if the sub slips or falls very serious injury can occur, either use weights or an attachment that will come off before serious damage occurs.
The cock can take a surprising amount of punishment and still feel amazing as long as you work up slowly, as with most things the timing is crucial, it’s very easy to go over the top.
Try gently rubbing just the head of the cock with a well-lubed hand, this can have guys begging you to make them cum – a lot of fun!
If you’re into tit play in a big way yourself you’ll already know what works, if you aren’t then the best way is to start off lightly and as the sub gets more turned on increasing the pressure, he will be able to take much more just before he cums than when you start, again read the sub and you’ll get it right.
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Bear in mind that tits that have had rough treatment in the previous day or so are much more sensitive than normal. Heavy work on very sore tits can be a big turn off!
Tits get very sensitive after being worked on hard, bear it in mind – If the tits aren’t fully recovered after 2 days though you’re doing it wrong!
Some tit clamps can pierce the skin, if you use these remember to sterilise them after use, just in case.
For guys into it, tit work can be more of a turn on than having their cock worked on – learn how to work tits well and you’ll have a lot of fans Smiley
(Of course, if you damage their tits badly you might never see them again)
Long Scenes, ranging from overnight to over a week, have all the same challenges as normal length scenes plus a few unique problems.
Timing is even more critical with a long scene and usually, some breaks are needed, if you keep the scene too intense for too long the sub can go over the top and lose interest.
It can be really exciting to sleep in some form of bondage, but make sure the position is comfortable (not hands behind the back) and that nothing is too tight, something that is exciting for an hour can become difficult to bear after several hours and it doesn’t take much to interfere with sleep. Cramp and circulation problems happen easily with long scenes.
Rubber has its own problems in long scenes, a body totally covered in rubber has very little heat regulation ability, rubber is a very poor insulator but does prevent the normal cooling mechanism of sweating. After several hours it is likely someone in full rubber will be either freezing or getting heat stroke/dehydration, for a long full rubber scene ambient temperature control is vital.
Electro play is a lot of fun, but there are a couple of things to remember:-
Never apply any electro across the chest, it can interfere with the heart. It’s probably better to avoid using electro above the waist at all.
Be careful around piercings, the contact area of a piercing is very small and you can easily cause burning inside the piercing.
Don’t expect me to get everything I’ve mentioned right all the time, being a good Top isn’t easy and I’ve still got a lot to learn